Life: it's sexually transmitted and always fatal.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons because, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?